Sunday Afternoon Thoughts

This post was inspired by a passage in a book called Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist:

Depth:
It takes time to let people touch the deep places of your soul.

Some people say that they hate small talk, the "Hello, how are you?" The "hows the job, hows the family, how was your day." But sometimes we need the small talk. We need the time it takes to hear about the mundane in peoples lives. The every day things. Its like greasing a wheel or oiling a hinge. Even for people who have known each other for years, intimacy is a process. Many people can't jump head first into depth, they have to wade in slowly inch by inch. You need to show them that you care about their latest trip, or yoga class, or the book they are reading before the depth will come.

I have a friend I have known since college. My sweetest memories of her in that time came during the holidays and school breaks. Somehow we would always be the last two left in town, and because we are girls and did not like to be alone, we would alternate spending the night at each other's houses until we went home. We would spend multiple days together, just chit chatting and drinking coffee, packing, doing laundry, or whatever needed to be done before we left. It would always be the last day that we spent together when she would open up and tell me about her life. The things that mattered, the things that hurt. Sometimes I would get frustrated that it took her so long to open up, but now I realize that my patience made her revelations more real, more sweet. Without that lead time, she would not have known I was invested and the things she shared would not have meant as much. Now, I would not trade those days for the world.

Emotional intimacy is a lot like physical intimacy. Anyone can have a one night stand but it is unlikely that that person will have touched their heart. In the same way, I can "open up" to anyone and tell them what matters to me, my dreams, my hurts, but if I do not know that they are invested, if they have not made an effort to spend that time in the shallow end, I do not let them touch my heart. They are not embedded in my soul the way my closest friends are.

Those people who really matter, the ones who stay with you even if they live 1,000 miles away, even if you have not seen them in months or years, they are the ones who took that time. They spent the day or the weekend, or multiple weekends and countless days, building that shallow end foundation and they have earned the right to go deeper. These are the ones tethered to your soul. It is that quiet moment standing on a back porch, or sitting on a bed, or drinking a cup of coffee at the kitchen table, when you have said everything else there is to say. In that moment, when you are silent together, that person opens a door into themselves that only the select few get to see.

That time that you spent building those bonds, you may not get to spend time like that again. But maybe the next time it will not take all weekend, maybe next time the day will be enough, or the morning, or the breakfast. But when you get that time, that chance, do not be afraid to sit in the shallow end. Do not fear the small talk. In the end the time you have for depth may be short, but I truly believe it will be much sweeter and it will drive those bonds that much deeper into places where it will not be easily removed. This is well worth the wait.